umbrellas

When it rains it pours, right?! I have been feeling in my soul much like this week's weather forecast...cloudy, rainy and more rain. Rain, rain go away!  I have been feeling so overwhelmed ,just being tired with no end in sight. not just because of the list of things to accomplish ,but just the emotional strain of raising children with special needs, a young toddler, so many special food allergies, feeling isolated on the farm,  not having friends, being so financially strapped...

As I am heading out to pick up B after the weekend with his brother and his uncle, I am in the car with baby praying and crying out to God. Begging God to relieve me, asking God for an end in sight, begging God for better way of living. I'm tired of gloom, rain and clouds. It feels like a northern Michigan winter!

 I was reminded of something that I read recently and had written down, thinking that it was good. It said "then I will sing in the shadow of your wings".

So my first thought was okay, I need to sing and praise God for all the good that I have in my life, as opposed to paying attention to the hardships and trials. And then I was thinking how I feel like I'm in the shadows... like the shadows are overwhelming and it doesn't feel like God's shadow- rather the shadow from the valley of the shadow of death that I feel in my soul.

 But as I thought about the verse again I realize that for me, as a believer, when I am in the shadows it COULD be because I'm not walking as I am supposed to, and that my focus is wrong. But on the other hand, the shadows that I am under are really the shadows of His wings.

After having raised turkeys, this makes much more sense. When you see a mama bird with her baby and how closely she keeps them, or how she called to them and they hurry underneath her wings...it give rise to a better understanding.  When God calls to me I should quickly run under his wings, and his wings are always there. He's always watching over me and looking out for me and calling to me. He's not out to give me shadows and rain on purpose. He's trying to make me grow up...his way.

I need to see him as having his wings spread out for protection, as an umbrella. How often I talk to the girls about how God's protection is like an umbrella.  It only works of you stand under him. The umbrella won't keep me dry of I run ahead!  I realize that I need to spend more time relying on God for everything... he is supposed to be my everything, is supposed to be my all and all. And maybe I am at this lonely place so that I learn to need and rely on him in a way I could not otherwise do.

I was thinking about how what I really want right now is to satisfy the craving deep within me by indulging in sugar and chocolate. Its So good to get that sugar high and that feeling of calm that comes over you. I realize what an addiction that sounds like! I know the sugar and chocolate are acceptable, but not when you have used them in that way. I need to spend more time longing for Christ, rather than looking for other things to fill me up.

I think so much of our world is caught up in that same manner. I know people who fill their addictions in any number of ways and I understand that. We do what we do because we're looking for fulfillment.  I'm in the doldrums of life, just like everybody else. But I want to rise on His wings and fly above this ole' world! The Maker shows me in a thousand ways that he loves me...I will choose to sing under his wings.

When I choose obedience, even when I'm so tired and I really don't want to (like I expect of my kids even when they're tired!!)  Or when I choose to pray "Lord, teach me to treat all that comes to me with peace of soul and form conviction that Your will governs all" --it is then that I will be able to sing. Singing at not come easy, but what a pleasant thought it is to stay on the house on a dreary day and sing, even I'm the shadows.

He knows my name, he knows my needs, he has not forsaken me. I need to sing and take a step of obedience in showing that I trust his plan ( and maybe just throw MY plans out!) And pick up my umbrella and go play in the shadows. (I'll have lots of opportunities to do that this rainy week!)

This was written some time ago and I've learned something more about feeling overwhelmed. God doesn't want me to be overwhelmed. He has put what he has put in my life for a reason. Not to overwhelm me but to teach me and make me more like him. Overwhelmed is a frame ofind and it is not one of trust and surrender. I had this mental picture if trying to hold sand in my hand and it all slipping through the cracks. No matter how much I want to hold all my pieces...I just cannot. So then the picture II had was one of God filling the cracks in so that I could hold all of my pieces. And then I thought...no, that isn't even accurate. I don't want to hold the pieces. My hands are broken and worthless. I prayed,"Lord,you take all of my pieces and do whatever you want with them. I am done. It's your turn. You take over!" This has been the attitude of my mind for nearly two months. The peace that He has given and the lack of stress...until I forget and try to hold sand again...is amazing! I am so thankful to have the "peace that passes all understanding!"